It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
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