Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
me + whiskey = a bad person
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
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