It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
