He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
