you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize