Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
