I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
