Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
