today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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