she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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