You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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