hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Randomize
