You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
