I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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