Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
