Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
