i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
