Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
