I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
