zippers are such a cool invention
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
