He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
