New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
