if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
