I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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