You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
