My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
