I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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