woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
