I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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