i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Randomize
