You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize