So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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