I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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