his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
