thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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