how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
