Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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