im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
