I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
