i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
