you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
