The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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