my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You ate ashes out of my bong
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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