Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
