saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize