She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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