Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
a search helicopter?!
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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