My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
