my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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