We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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