Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
