I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
