just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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