The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
