i wish starbucks made bloody marys
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
