she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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