You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
The uberlube is also flammable
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
