i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
